Today my husband David and I went to see The Young Victoria. We tend to like "chick flicks" over action movies. David grew up watching lots of PBS since that was either the only channel that they could get or the only one he was allowed to watch, I'm not sure which, and he has an affinity for British movies. Plus he is a historian by training, so he like historical movies - except when the moviemakers get something wrong, which he will always points out. We enjoyed it. It was a love story about Queen Victoria and Prince Albert. I thought that the actor playing Albert's brother was cuter though. The screenwriter also wrote Gosford Park, another good Brit chick flick from 2001.
The next movie that we want to see is A Single Man which is already out but not here yet. So we like chick flicks and gay movies. When I was younger I would have felt embarrassed about that, because it seemed too stereotypical or "too gay." Now I am old enough and sure of myself enough that I don't care. I like what I like. I can remember refusing to see anything artistic or cultural until I was in my mid 20s because I wasn't comfortable enough with being gay to allow myself to do anything that seemed gay. (Well, except having gay sex! I could do that but not attend a play? The closet can be so suffocating.) That's an advantage to being 45 - I know who I am and don't care if others don't approve.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
my letter to the editor
I sent a letter to the editor of our local newspaper, and it was published yesterday. The situation that I wrote about started with the local Boy Scouts of America troup having their annual Christmas tree sale at a local Baptist church. A lesbian couple who are well known in town (and were the first same sex couple to marry in the county the first day that it was allowed in summer 2008) wrote a letter to the newspaper reminding everyone that the BSA discriminates based on sexual orientation and religion (not everyone knows that you can't be a boy scout or leader if you don't believe in a supreme being), and that there are other places to buy Christmas trees from groups that don't discriminate. A local scout leader wrote a vicious letter to the editor in response, accusing the married couple of intolerance, and saying that as a private organization the BSA can determine their own membership rules. My letter said that the couple never asked the BSA to change their policy or challenged their right to sell trees, and as a private organization the BSA can set their own policy. I pointed out that the couple merely reminded everyone that the BSA discriminates, and that people should think about spending their money with a discriminatory organization.
I used a calm tone in my letter but I really dislike the BSA. Many if not most of their supporters are right wing, anti-gay, anti-women organizations, such as the Catholic and Mormon churches. They are also too blindly patriotic for me. They're part of the "vast right-wing conspiracy" that Hillary Clinton talked about years ago, and she was correct.
I realize that others will have very different feelings about the BSA. I know former scouts who are gay who support the BSA, but I won't, and I won't even consider letting my son Leo join. I really have no respect for any discriminatory organization.
I used a calm tone in my letter but I really dislike the BSA. Many if not most of their supporters are right wing, anti-gay, anti-women organizations, such as the Catholic and Mormon churches. They are also too blindly patriotic for me. They're part of the "vast right-wing conspiracy" that Hillary Clinton talked about years ago, and she was correct.
I realize that others will have very different feelings about the BSA. I know former scouts who are gay who support the BSA, but I won't, and I won't even consider letting my son Leo join. I really have no respect for any discriminatory organization.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
former girlfriends
I thought about all the girls I ever dated recently (it's a short list, I am gay after all). I think that it might have been Mikey's post about the girl who asked him to a dance that started my thoughts. I remember the really awkward high school dances and the girls that I went with.
My first "girlfriend" was in eight grade. Everyone was "going out" with someone, so a girl I'll call D1 and I followed peer pressure and did the same. (I'm avoiding their real names, and I realized most of the girls' names start with the letter "D" so I'll need a number after the D.) "Going out" meant talking on the playground after lunch, since we never went out anywhere. After a few weeks of meaningless small talk, she told me that she thought that we should break up. I almost laughed, since I knew going out was a joke but she was acting like this was a divorce.
Freshman year of high school I took a girl I'll call M to most of the dances. I'd known M since kindergarten and sat next to her for at least 3 years. We were seated alphabetically and she was the next name so was usually sitting behind me. She had hit puberty before I did (as did 99% of my classmates), so she was taller than me in all the dance photos. I don't remember any kisses, but it obviously wasn't a priority for me.
Sophomore year I "dated" D2, which again meant we went to dances and never saw each other at other times. (I went to an all male Catholic high school - what a nightmare.) I remember other guys' shocked looks when I walked in with D2 the first time. I thought "Yeah, I got a cute blonde with nice breasts to go out with me!" It turns out that I was great cover for D2. She was sneaking around and dating and having sex with a 24 year old. But she had a large affect on me. D2 was a vegetarian, and I always thought about becoming a vegetarian, until 1994, or 15 years later, when I became one too. I also chewed my last piece of gum on a date with her. She said something about gum and I stopped and thought about gum for the first time and realized that my jaw hurt each time that I chewed some, so threw it out and never chewed gum again. I've tried to find D2 but haven't been able to - I would like to know how she is doing.
Also sophomore year a freshman at the all girls school asked me to a dance. She was so short and delicate that she made me seem tall. Unfortunately she died when she was a senior in high school. She visited South America, where her mother was born, and contracted some infection and later died of it.
Junior year I was over the regular dances until prom time came around. I thought that I should go to the prom but didn't have a date. I think that I called M again, but she didn't want to go, so suggested that I call...D1. Small world. So after our eight grade "going out", we went to the prom. When I look back at the photos, the tuxes from 1981 were hideous - green, with a large bow tie and a light green frilly shirt. Gag me with a spoon.
Senior year I went to the prom again, but this time it was with D3, another "D" girl. We knew that we were just having fun, since she was engaged to a guy in the Army who was stationed overseas. It was a fun night.
The summer after senior year I dated the sister of one of my friends. I'll call her D4. She was kinda fun to be with. (There was a song playing on the radio at the time with "867-5309" in the lyrics. D4's phone number was 897-5304. Wow, why do I remember that close to 30 years later.) But she liked to kiss. One time she stuck her tongue in my mouth while we were kissing. My eyes flew open and I jerked my head back and started laughing. I wanted to say "What do you think you're doing with that tongue?" but didn't. I knew that I was gay by then and did not want anything to do with her tongue. Now her younger brother's tongue, oh that would have been different. He had just finished his freshman year in high school but was really tall, 6'4" or 6'5", and cute. His family always treated him badly, and I had to stop myself from defending him when I was over at their house.
In college I finally was into guys, but not really much. One girl was interested in me. I'll call her L. We were both chemistry majors, so we had a number of classes together. At one party when I was buzzed we kissed some. She put her fingers into the bottom of my pants leg once in physics lab when I had my leg on my other knee, and it annoyed me, so I said in a loud voice "L, get your hand out of my pants!" Everyone turned and looked and she was so embarrassed that she didn't try that again.
So that's the history of dating girls. I feel bad that I wasn't honest with them, but other than D4 and L, I wasn't honest with myself at the time either.
My first "girlfriend" was in eight grade. Everyone was "going out" with someone, so a girl I'll call D1 and I followed peer pressure and did the same. (I'm avoiding their real names, and I realized most of the girls' names start with the letter "D" so I'll need a number after the D.) "Going out" meant talking on the playground after lunch, since we never went out anywhere. After a few weeks of meaningless small talk, she told me that she thought that we should break up. I almost laughed, since I knew going out was a joke but she was acting like this was a divorce.
Freshman year of high school I took a girl I'll call M to most of the dances. I'd known M since kindergarten and sat next to her for at least 3 years. We were seated alphabetically and she was the next name so was usually sitting behind me. She had hit puberty before I did (as did 99% of my classmates), so she was taller than me in all the dance photos. I don't remember any kisses, but it obviously wasn't a priority for me.
Sophomore year I "dated" D2, which again meant we went to dances and never saw each other at other times. (I went to an all male Catholic high school - what a nightmare.) I remember other guys' shocked looks when I walked in with D2 the first time. I thought "Yeah, I got a cute blonde with nice breasts to go out with me!" It turns out that I was great cover for D2. She was sneaking around and dating and having sex with a 24 year old. But she had a large affect on me. D2 was a vegetarian, and I always thought about becoming a vegetarian, until 1994, or 15 years later, when I became one too. I also chewed my last piece of gum on a date with her. She said something about gum and I stopped and thought about gum for the first time and realized that my jaw hurt each time that I chewed some, so threw it out and never chewed gum again. I've tried to find D2 but haven't been able to - I would like to know how she is doing.
Also sophomore year a freshman at the all girls school asked me to a dance. She was so short and delicate that she made me seem tall. Unfortunately she died when she was a senior in high school. She visited South America, where her mother was born, and contracted some infection and later died of it.
Junior year I was over the regular dances until prom time came around. I thought that I should go to the prom but didn't have a date. I think that I called M again, but she didn't want to go, so suggested that I call...D1. Small world. So after our eight grade "going out", we went to the prom. When I look back at the photos, the tuxes from 1981 were hideous - green, with a large bow tie and a light green frilly shirt. Gag me with a spoon.
Senior year I went to the prom again, but this time it was with D3, another "D" girl. We knew that we were just having fun, since she was engaged to a guy in the Army who was stationed overseas. It was a fun night.
The summer after senior year I dated the sister of one of my friends. I'll call her D4. She was kinda fun to be with. (There was a song playing on the radio at the time with "867-5309" in the lyrics. D4's phone number was 897-5304. Wow, why do I remember that close to 30 years later.) But she liked to kiss. One time she stuck her tongue in my mouth while we were kissing. My eyes flew open and I jerked my head back and started laughing. I wanted to say "What do you think you're doing with that tongue?" but didn't. I knew that I was gay by then and did not want anything to do with her tongue. Now her younger brother's tongue, oh that would have been different. He had just finished his freshman year in high school but was really tall, 6'4" or 6'5", and cute. His family always treated him badly, and I had to stop myself from defending him when I was over at their house.
In college I finally was into guys, but not really much. One girl was interested in me. I'll call her L. We were both chemistry majors, so we had a number of classes together. At one party when I was buzzed we kissed some. She put her fingers into the bottom of my pants leg once in physics lab when I had my leg on my other knee, and it annoyed me, so I said in a loud voice "L, get your hand out of my pants!" Everyone turned and looked and she was so embarrassed that she didn't try that again.
So that's the history of dating girls. I feel bad that I wasn't honest with them, but other than D4 and L, I wasn't honest with myself at the time either.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
blogging gets you more frequent and better sex
That title might get some attention. Blogging has improved my sex life. My husband David reads my blog now. I told him that I had a blog a few days after I started. He didn't seem to want to read it at first, but then he asked for the address. We've talked about some of my posts, including the one about his depression and the difference in our sex drives. He's also talked to a friend who has an absolutely wild past, who suggested some things that David could do. It's worked. We're having more sex, and David has tried some things that he was interested in but hadn't tried. It turns out that despite being together for 18 years, he hadn't tried rimming me much. He seems to love it and I certainly enjoy it.
David has also talked to me about how much he appreciates my support when he is struggling with his depression. Well, of course I support him - I love him! I guess blogging has helped our communication, even though I thought that we had good communication before I started this blog.
David has also talked to me about how much he appreciates my support when he is struggling with his depression. Well, of course I support him - I love him! I guess blogging has helped our communication, even though I thought that we had good communication before I started this blog.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
my inlaws are getting married, again
Last night my mother-in-law, who I'll call Millie, called to say that she and my father-in-law, who I'll call Phil, are getting married. This will be their second marriage. The first started in 1966 and apparently ran into trouble quickly. But it produced my husband David in 1970. (Sorry, had to edit out something about David that he didn't want me to share with the world. If you have already read it, pretend that you don't know about it.) They separated in 1978 and divorced in 1981.
By the time I joined the family in 1991, they were back to being each other's best friend. I told David that his parents were the closest divorced couple that I had ever seen. They took vacations together along with many other activities. They moved back in together in 2003, just before our son Leo was born. They expanded the house a few years later to have two master suites, since Phil's CPAP machine for his sleep apnea is too loud for them to sleep in the same room.
Last year they became domestic partners here in California. Phil had wanted them to remarry but Millie was reluctant. Now she's come around and they'll have a small ceremony at their Lutheran church later this month. So married for 15 years, divorced for 29, then remarried. Millie said that she has wanted to wait until David's marriage to me was recognized throughout the United States, but that will take years (I hope that it will happen eventually), and they are in their 60s.
By the time I joined the family in 1991, they were back to being each other's best friend. I told David that his parents were the closest divorced couple that I had ever seen. They took vacations together along with many other activities. They moved back in together in 2003, just before our son Leo was born. They expanded the house a few years later to have two master suites, since Phil's CPAP machine for his sleep apnea is too loud for them to sleep in the same room.
Last year they became domestic partners here in California. Phil had wanted them to remarry but Millie was reluctant. Now she's come around and they'll have a small ceremony at their Lutheran church later this month. So married for 15 years, divorced for 29, then remarried. Millie said that she has wanted to wait until David's marriage to me was recognized throughout the United States, but that will take years (I hope that it will happen eventually), and they are in their 60s.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
various random thoughts
This is one of my son's Bakugan. They're kinda neat, even to me. They start out as a small sphere that then opens up into elaborate animal shaped toys. There is a game that can be played with them, but for now my son just enjoys playing with them. I admire the engineering and creativity that went into making them.
I saw a trailer for an upcoming movie that looks like predictable, campy fun, Is It Just Me? I think that the web site is
isitjustmethemovie.com. David and I rarely go to see a movie so we probably won't see it in a theatre but may watch it on DVD. I say that but I still haven't signed us up for Netflix yet.
I like to keep my life organized when I can, and meals are part of that. David and I cook in large quantities on the weekend and put up meal sized leftovers in our freezer. So this is what our freezer looks like. Wall to wall with leftovers. I also plan out my outfits for the work week and have them hanging in my closet by Sunday night. No more trying to think of what to wear when I first wake up. I know what you're thinking, and no, I don't have obsessive compulsive disorder. I just like organization. Very much. My clothes are the same way - pants and shirts organized by style and color, the shirts hung in the order of the visible light spectrum - red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet. This sounds weird even to me as I write this.
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Year's Day
Today begins a new year, and a new decade (well, you can argue about when the new decade begins, but I won't go there). I do look forward to some things in the new year. David, Leo and I are planning at trip back to the town that I grew up in during Leo's spring break from school. It happens to fall over Easter this year, so we'll be able to go to my extended family's Easter get together. I obviously don't celebrate Easter, but getting together with my extended family is always enjoyable. I have hopes for the federal trial challenging Prop 8 in California based on federal instead of state law. I have more hope for Massachusetts' challenge to part 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act, but that isn't near trial yet.
I also hope that the world will become a better, more peaceful and more interconnected place in the next year. Perhaps some of the division in the United States and the world will lessen. I would like to see the US end at least one of the wars that we are involved in. I would like to see our President live up to more of his campaign promises, especially being the "fierce advocate" that he said that he would be for gay and lesbian rights.
I don't normally make New Year's resolutions, but I will try to continue some of the goals that I have been working on. I hope to be more dedicated to meditating each day. I know the days that are more difficult to fit meditation into my schedule and will work on five or ten minutes on those days. I will also try to be more mindful. It wasn't until I began to meditate and study Buddhism that I realized how little of the time I am actually aware of what I am doing. I'm often on autopilot, thinking of something else, the past or future, a movie or book, or how I want or would like the present to be instead of just being present with the current moment. It sounds simple to be present in each moment, until you try it. So I'm practing being present as much as I can.
I will also try to keep up with friends, family and people I've met online. I haven't been here on blogger long but have enjoyed reading other's blogs and interacting with them. This may sound strange to the younger gay guys that might read this, but blogs have given me a way to express my "gay uncle" feelings. What I mean is that since I became a father six years ago, I realize that I have strong paternal feelings. I also have similar feelings toward younger gay guys - not paternal because I'm obviously not their father, but similar feelings that I have toward relatives of mine - like the younger gay guys are part of my extended family. In a way, they are. I want to help the young guys who can't come out to their families or sports teams. Maybe I can help by giving some advice, or listening when they want to talk or vent frustrations. I have gone through much of what is happening in their lives, so I understand, perhaps in a way that their straight parents can't. So if anyone wants to take me up on that, email me.
That reminds me that when David and I talked about becoming fathers, he suggested adopting or becoming foster parents to gay teens that had been rejected by their families. I admired that, and he still wants to do that when Leo is older. But I wanted the whole experience of parenting, from infancy to adulthood, so we adopted Leo when he was a newborn. Parenting turned out to be much tougher than I realized.
I hope everyone else can have a good year as well. I end this with a wish from my metta or lovingkindness meditation that I practice.
May you be well.
May you be happy and peaceful.
May no harm come to you.
May you be free of greed, selfishness and jealousy.
May you be able to face life's problems with patience, courage and understanding.
I also hope that the world will become a better, more peaceful and more interconnected place in the next year. Perhaps some of the division in the United States and the world will lessen. I would like to see the US end at least one of the wars that we are involved in. I would like to see our President live up to more of his campaign promises, especially being the "fierce advocate" that he said that he would be for gay and lesbian rights.
I don't normally make New Year's resolutions, but I will try to continue some of the goals that I have been working on. I hope to be more dedicated to meditating each day. I know the days that are more difficult to fit meditation into my schedule and will work on five or ten minutes on those days. I will also try to be more mindful. It wasn't until I began to meditate and study Buddhism that I realized how little of the time I am actually aware of what I am doing. I'm often on autopilot, thinking of something else, the past or future, a movie or book, or how I want or would like the present to be instead of just being present with the current moment. It sounds simple to be present in each moment, until you try it. So I'm practing being present as much as I can.
I will also try to keep up with friends, family and people I've met online. I haven't been here on blogger long but have enjoyed reading other's blogs and interacting with them. This may sound strange to the younger gay guys that might read this, but blogs have given me a way to express my "gay uncle" feelings. What I mean is that since I became a father six years ago, I realize that I have strong paternal feelings. I also have similar feelings toward younger gay guys - not paternal because I'm obviously not their father, but similar feelings that I have toward relatives of mine - like the younger gay guys are part of my extended family. In a way, they are. I want to help the young guys who can't come out to their families or sports teams. Maybe I can help by giving some advice, or listening when they want to talk or vent frustrations. I have gone through much of what is happening in their lives, so I understand, perhaps in a way that their straight parents can't. So if anyone wants to take me up on that, email me.
That reminds me that when David and I talked about becoming fathers, he suggested adopting or becoming foster parents to gay teens that had been rejected by their families. I admired that, and he still wants to do that when Leo is older. But I wanted the whole experience of parenting, from infancy to adulthood, so we adopted Leo when he was a newborn. Parenting turned out to be much tougher than I realized.
I hope everyone else can have a good year as well. I end this with a wish from my metta or lovingkindness meditation that I practice.
May you be well.
May you be happy and peaceful.
May no harm come to you.
May you be free of greed, selfishness and jealousy.
May you be able to face life's problems with patience, courage and understanding.
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