former girlfriends

I thought about all the girls I ever dated recently (it's a short list, I am gay after all). I think that it might have been Mikey's post about the girl who asked him to a dance that started my thoughts. I remember the really awkward high school dances and the girls that I went with.

My first "girlfriend" was in eight grade. Everyone was "going out" with someone, so a girl I'll call D1 and I followed peer pressure and did the same. (I'm avoiding their real names, and I realized most of the girls' names start with the letter "D" so I'll need a number after the D.) "Going out" meant talking on the playground after lunch, since we never went out anywhere. After a few weeks of meaningless small talk, she told me that she thought that we should break up. I almost laughed, since I knew going out was a joke but she was acting like this was a divorce.

Freshman year of high school I took a girl I'll call M to most of the dances. I'd known M since kindergarten and sat next to her for at least 3 years. We were seated alphabetically and she was the next name so was usually sitting behind me. She had hit puberty before I did (as did 99% of my classmates), so she was taller than me in all the dance photos. I don't remember any kisses, but it obviously wasn't a priority for me.

Sophomore year I "dated" D2, which again meant we went to dances and never saw each other at other times. (I went to an all male Catholic high school - what a nightmare.) I remember other guys' shocked looks when I walked in with D2 the first time. I thought "Yeah, I got a cute blonde with nice breasts to go out with me!" It turns out that I was great cover for D2. She was sneaking around and dating and having sex with a 24 year old. But she had a large affect on me. D2 was a vegetarian, and I always thought about becoming a vegetarian, until 1994, or 15 years later, when I became one too. I also chewed my last piece of gum on a date with her. She said something about gum and I stopped and thought about gum for the first time and realized that my jaw hurt each time that I chewed some, so threw it out and never chewed gum again. I've tried to find D2 but haven't been able to - I would like to know how she is doing.

Also sophomore year a freshman at the all girls school asked me to a dance. She was so short and delicate that she made me seem tall. Unfortunately she died when she was a senior in high school. She visited South America, where her mother was born, and contracted some infection and later died of it.

Junior year I was over the regular dances until prom time came around. I thought that I should go to the prom but didn't have a date. I think that I called M again, but she didn't want to go, so suggested that I call...D1. Small world. So after our eight grade "going out", we went to the prom. When I look back at the photos, the tuxes from 1981 were hideous - green, with a large bow tie and a light green frilly shirt. Gag me with a spoon.

Senior year I went to the prom again, but this time it was with D3, another "D" girl. We knew that we were just having fun, since she was engaged to a guy in the Army who was stationed overseas. It was a fun night.

The summer after senior year I dated the sister of one of my friends. I'll call her D4. She was kinda fun to be with. (There was a song playing on the radio at the time with "867-5309" in the lyrics. D4's phone number was 897-5304. Wow, why do I remember that close to 30 years later.) But she liked to kiss. One time she stuck her tongue in my mouth while we were kissing. My eyes flew open and I jerked my head back and started laughing. I wanted to say "What do you think you're doing with that tongue?" but didn't. I knew that I was gay by then and did not want anything to do with her tongue. Now her younger brother's tongue, oh that would have been different. He had just finished his freshman year in high school but was really tall, 6'4" or 6'5", and cute. His family always treated him badly, and I had to stop myself from defending him when I was over at their house.

In college I finally was into guys, but not really much. One girl was interested in me. I'll call her L. We were both chemistry majors, so we had a number of classes together. At one party when I was buzzed we kissed some. She put her fingers into the bottom of my pants leg once in physics lab when I had my leg on my other knee, and it annoyed me, so I said in a loud voice "L, get your hand out of my pants!" Everyone turned and looked and she was so embarrassed that she didn't try that again.

So that's the history of dating girls. I feel bad that I wasn't honest with them, but other than D4 and L, I wasn't honest with myself at the time either.