I'm a hypocrite, and possibly a bad parent

I realize after a really bad day yesterday that I'm a hypocrite and possibly a bad parent. First why I'm a hypocrite. As you may know, on the blog I had for a few days before it was labeled "born with a p in place of the b" (since I can't actually have that word in my blog without the internet filter at work labeling the blog "born with a p in place of the b" (henceforth referred to as BWAPIPOTB), I had a fairly vicious post about my feelings on BWAPIPOTB and "the act or practice of engaging in sexual intercourse for money". I really am sorry for anyone that I offended with that post, and I've removed it now. Well, I'm a hypocrite because I did what I said that I don't do and looked at BWAPIPOTB last night. It was a shitty day, I was upset and horny. To explain why I was upset and horny I've got to give you background on my husband and son.

I'll refer to my husband as David, which is obviously not his name. He says that he comes from a long line of stoic Germans, many of whom were depressed by today's definition of depression. David has had major depression since he was in his 20s and probably earlier than that. He's been on medication for depression for many years, trying many different meds or combinations of them. He also has seasonal affective disorder, SAD, or "winter blues" as it is sometimes called. When there isn't much sunlight, he gets more depressed. He's doing all that he can for it, going out to exercise in the middle of the day, using a lamp that emits light in the wavelength that most helps SAD, keeping all the curtains open to let in natural light. But tomorrow is the solstice, and there is little light now. During this time of year, his sex drive is very, very low. Plus he's had a cold this week. So I think that we've had sex 3 or 4 times in the last 2 months. He realizes that even during summer and when his depression is under good control that there is a large difference in our sex drives, and he's fine with me doing whatever I need to for me, within a monogamous relationship. But I feel kind of guilty about that, even though I know that I shouldn't. He apologizes to me about his lack of interest in sex. Another aspect of the issue is that he's a top and I'm a bottom, and sometimes I just need.. you know (gotta watch the language if I want to access this at work.) He's fine with me buying a toy, and I should, but I just haven't. And sometimes our timing is way off. I'll take care of myself and ten minutes later he suddenly has the interest, even though an hour ago when I asked he didn't. I don't want to say "Sorry, too late" so I don't tell him - and 99% of the time everything is fine. So I guess with a bad day, sexual frustration and feeling like a failure as a parent, I caved and looked at BWAPIPOTB. I do still feel that the actors can be exploited, but I guess not enough not to look at it.

The bigger issue yesterday was my son, who I'll refer to as Leo, our little lion. Leo is a great kid, and I've loved him since the moment that I saw the nurse rounding the corner carrying him into the nursery in the hospital when he was born. He was a great baby and toddler, but in the last year of preschool before he started kindergarten, he seemed to change. He became argumentative, impatient, rude and some other not good characteristics. It got worse in kindergarten, and came to a head this past summer when he was kicked out of a summer day camp for hitting and threatening other campers and teachers. David was much more aware that sometime was really wrong than I was - I thought that Leo was just a difficult kid. David had him assessed by two counsellors and later a child psychiatrist, and Leo was given the diagnosis of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, inattentive type. He's not hyperactive except when he's tired. But we realized the problem was that he can't concentrate to follow any directions and has no impulse control. And each frustration would build until he would explode, often violently. I've been hit, called names, spit on, had things thrown at me. He was difficult to be around at times, and when I was very frustrated I would find a room to get away from him, which must have felt awful to him. He was put on medication last summer and it was as if we had our pleasant, happy son back. But the first medication caused side effects and when it wore off after 12 hours he was right back to how he was before. The second medication didn't work quite as well but didn't cause the side effects and lasted all day. So things were good for a while. But then he grew and the dose of the second med wasn't enough. We've increased the dose but it doesn't seem to be helping much. Yesterday was the worst it has been in months. He had swim lessons, which always makes him tired. But he refused to nap, which we usually make him do after swimming if he has another activity. He had a birthday party to attend at a local karate school. Karate is always bad for him - it gets him too keyed up and too active. I picked him up and he was out of control. He couldn't follow any direction. He was the last kid of about 25 to get his shoes on after the class and argued with me about everything. Getting him home and being around him was awful. At one point he picked up a rock and threatened to throw it in my face. Both David and I were exhausted by the time we got him to bed. Today didn't start any better - by 7 AM I had been hit, called an idiot and ordered out of this room, only to be begged to come back 5 seconds later. We decided to put him back on the first med in addition to the second, and he's a completely different child - polite, sweet, pleasant. For an hour or so he cuddled in bed with David while David was reading and Leo was watching a movie on my iPhone. Luckily he has an appointment with his psychiatrist on Tuesday.

I don't want to give anyone the impression that I don't love Leo, because I do. I would definitely adopt him if I knew at that time what I do now. I just wanted to give you an idea about why yesterday was so hard for me.

I also don't want to discourage anyone who is thinking of adoption, now or in the future. We have an open adoption, in which we met Leo's birthmother when she was about five months pregnant with him. We were told by Leo's birthmother that his birthfather had ADHD, and we suspect that she may have had it as well. Since there is a strong genetic component to ADHD, it isn't surprising that Leo has it.

The photo that I've included is a fish that Leo made at one of the clay classes that he's taken at a local art center.