When a gay man or lesbian comes out, friends and family sometimes ask lots of questions. Many of the questions are fairly innocent and just want clarification or explanation. When I came out, no one asked many questions. In fact, my best friend from high school had the typical response "I know."
My husband David's grandmother had a different type of question. To give some background, David and I started dating the summer between his junior and senior years of college. The next spring, his grandparents said that they were driving from their retirement home in coastal North Carolina to California for David's graduation. David didn't want a scene if they figured out our relationship, so he wrote a coming out letter to them in the spring. As is so typical of his stoic German family, nothing was said about the letter or his coming out (come on people, don't just brush issues under the rug again, get things out there and talk about them!)
The trip and graduation seemed to go well. Then his grandmother got David alone and pounced with her question. She asked "In your NEW LIFE, who does the cooking?" The question confused David, and he thought "Why does she care about cooking?", so he answered the literal question she was asking by saying "Whoever is hungry." She got a puzzled look on her face but didn't ask anything more. A day or so later David thought back to the question and realized what she was really asking. He thought 'Oh, she wasn't really asking about the cooking, she wanted to know which one of us was "the woman" in the relationship and therefore does the cooking, and who is "the man"'. Because for a woman of her generation, there had to be a man and a woman in relationships, so one of us had to be a man and the other had to play the role of a woman. She was the dutiful housewife, doing the domestic work and supporting her husband's career. She couldn't conceive of the much more equal relationship that David and I have. I think David's answer was perfect, since we don't have roles like that, and we do share the cooking.
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I came out to my parents yesterday, it was a huge step for me and the 1st in claiming my life as my own. My Dad said to me that it is not about him it is about me, all to often we worry about other's reactions, but what really matters I guess is realizing that it is ultimately about our happiness.
ReplyDeleteI am feeling a weight has been lifted and today was probably one of the most free that I have known.
I gain allot of strength from reading about the life and you and David have been able to construct for yourselves, I admire it, I am impressed by your bravery and now you deserve to be reaping the rewards.
www.gayoncemeanthappy.blogspot.com
I think David's answer was perfect, regardless of the meaning of the question.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny how people want to put everything in neat little boxes. And it's not just the older generation. But things are changing - because of people like you and David.
You two are an inspiration.
i am going to link this in my next blog. I love the story, and it kind of has power. i wish more people saw things like you and david can, even if by accident at first.
ReplyDelete@Bubby, congratulations! That is a huge step, and it's good to hear that it went well. I know that with your background it was difficult for you. It is good to have that weight removed. I don't know if I'm brave, I wouldn't have been convincing as straight so this was the only way to be honest and live my life.
ReplyDelete@NewLeaf, thank you, I'm flattered that you think that David and I are an inspiration. I just think that we're two guys in love living our lives with our son. I do realize that I'm somewhat of a role model for our son's friends and classmates. I want the kids who will grow up to be gay or lesbian to know that they can have whatever kind of life that they want.
@Travis, I added a comment to you but it seems to have disappeared. I appreciate you comment. Yeah, it's a classic question from David's grandmother - his whole family is sneaky that way. His response always gets a laugh from gay men.
ReplyDeleteI like your new photo - it makes you look mysterious.